4.    ADDITIONAL SUGGESTIONS FOR WORKING WITH CHILDREN

The material in this chapter was compiled by Melody Bucholz from a variety of sources, including her long experience with children (for written sources, see Suggested Reading, page 45). It serves not only as a supplement to the information on parent helping in earlier chapters, but as a source of ideas for all aspects of our work as parents.

General Guidelines

• When talking with children, squat down to their level.
• Sit down whenever possible while supervising.
• Answer questions, and talk to the children when the occasion calls for it, but avoid interrupting their conversations, or talking all the time.
• Be relaxed.
• Be consistent.
• When children are playing well, don’t interrupt or interfere.
• Avoid talking about a child in his/her presence.
• Look for what children are doing right or well.
• Let children do what they can themselves, give them time to try before offering assistance.
• Listen to them.
• Encourage children to give and receive help from each other.
• If a child appears to be struggling, ask if help is desired before stepping in.
• Tell children what you want them to do, rather than what to stop doing (“please walk” rather than “don’t run”).

Parent Helper’s Roles in Classroom

The most common set of questions about parent helping surround “What do I do?,” “When should I intervene?,” and “How can I facilitate play in our setting?”
You will spend the major part of the day interacting informally with individuals and small groups of children, facilitating learning rather than in adult-directed activities. You will spend little time correcting, stopping, hurrying, reminding, referring, reprimanding, or timing-out the children. You have time to respect and respond to individual needs and to relate to each child with warmth. And remember to have fun!
In the creative play program, it is assumed that a caring and understanding adult is involved at all times in whatever activity the children are participating. The role of the adult is not that of an instructor or entertainer, but rather of a friend whose presence will insure the quality and appropriateness of the experiences in which the children engage.
There are three primary types of involvement:
1. Participant: The adult actually participates with the children in the activity.
2. Facilitator: The adult gives necessary guidance and assistance as needed, but does not participate.
3. Observer: The adult can see the children and be seen by them, giving them the security of knowing that they will have help if they lose control of the materials they are using or of their emotions.
—Clare Cherry
You will spend your classroom time in all three of these roles. Each one is essential to the life and success of the program.

participant

Player You will usually be accepted because the teacher/parent is desirable and has good ideas. It’s also a wonderful experience for the children to engage in safe play situations with other caring adults. Wait to enter—then be careful that you maintain and extend the children’s general theme and direction. Be careful that your intervention doesn’t identify or change their play. Enter by making statements that reflect what the children are doing. Observational statements communicate approval without judgment. They let children know you recognize what they are doing is important.
There may be times when you need to initiate a game. Continue to try and follow the child’s lead as you develop the game together.

facilitator

Stage manager (usually done before class). It’s easier and more appropriate to move around and manipulate things rather than children.
Mediator: imposed solutions interrupt play—mediated solutions enhance and continue play.
To extend play scripts—by materials, ideas and problem solving/negotiating. Ask open-ended questions. These kinds of questions require no specific or correct response, but inspire a variety of answers. Wait three seconds—classroom teachers have been timed to allow just 9/10 of a second before asking another question. Count slowly and silently to three before responding, another three after the child has made a response to allow the child to elaborate if he/she thinks of more. Step away so children can resume their play, or when they gain control over the play themselves.

observer

When the teacher/parent is not needed to sustain play he/she can be a scribe, assessor, communicator, and planner. Writing while children play gives something important for adults to do without interrupting their play.

Techniques for Behavior Management

• When talking with a child maintain eye contact. Have your face at their face level. If you lose eye contact, ask for it: “I need you to look at me.” “Look at my eyes.”
• Don’t ask a question unless there is a choice. Say, “It’s clean-up time,” not “It’s time to clean up, okay?”
• Give one or two warnings, then take action. Follow through. Be consistent. This will probably require you to stop doing what you’re doing and stay near the child until the entire requested activity is completed. If you leave the area or divert your attention, you will likely lose their cooperation.
• Use “I” statements. “When you do that, or say that to me, I feel…,” or “When you do that to (person) they feel …”; “Look at (person’s) face, s/he looks ….”
• Give choices. “You may stay in this area and (state the rule that is to be followed), or you may go do something else.”
• Use natural or logical consequences. Following the above example, say “I see you chose to do something else.” Then follow through at getting the child involved in an alternate activity. If you just send them away, they will likely wander into trouble somewhere else. Frequently a redirected activity that is quiet will help the child collect herself before going onto something else. Being read to, having snack, playing a game or working with playdough are likely candidates for redirected activity.
• Acknowledge feelings. “I know you are angry (frustrated, excited, etc.), but I can’t let you (fill in the inappropriate behavior). You could (fill in an appropriate release).” Some possibilities might include drawing a picture of how you feel, telling me how you feel, hammering some playdough, telling me and I’ll write it down.

Conflict Resolution

• Remove the danger if there is one—intervene only enough to prevent injury.
• State the problem as you see it, “I see two children and one truck.”
• Ask for possible solutions, “What could we do so you would both be happy?”
• Get agreement on a solution.
• Look for more ideas if not agreed, “Would you like to know some things other people with the same problem have tried?”

Remember: The solution does not have to seem fair to you; it only needs to be acceptable to all involved parties.
If a child has already been hurt:

• Get teacher, if possible, or another parent if you need help.
• Attend to the child’s injuries, involving the perpetrator if possible (getting a cold towel, Band-Aid etc.).
• Talk with the child about how the other was hurt, how s/he could have gotten her/his needs met without violence, etc.
• Do not force an apology. This breeds resentment, not empathy.
• Reinforce that adults are here to help everyone get what they need—even the perpetrator.

Developing Self-esteem

Our goal is to increase self-esteem. Try the following at home and at school.

• Use language of acceptance and support (honesty, I-messages, non-judgments, encouragement).
• Do not use or allow children to use put downs, (toward themselves or others).
• Give children focused attention.
• Discipline with respect—“How to Talk.”
• Allow children to grow at their own pace—many choices, no comparisons of different children.
• Encourage each child’s independence—own snack, own clothing. Don’t do something for a child that he can do for himself.
• Cherish each child’s uniqueness. Help children find their own “specialness.” Focus on the doing, not the product.
• Reduce the emphasis on external measures of success such as grades, awards, etc. Encourage internal self-evaluation; “You must feel really proud.”
• Be available to your children—for listening, problem-solving, sharing.

Additional Resources

parenting library

The preschool has a small lending library of parenting books, including the books on the list below marked with an asterisk. Parents are encouraged to sign books out, and donations are gratefully accepted.
If there is a parenting/child development topic you would like to see addressed at a General Meeting or other forum, please speak to the Anti-bias/Parent Education Chair, or the teacher.
If you read a good parenting book or article, you might consider writing a brief “review,” including where you found the item—this would be a great addition to the newsletter.

recommended parenting books

The books are listed in their category in descending order of importance as ranked by Melody Bucholz, former Portland Tillamook Preschool teacher.

General

*Faber, Adele, and Elaine Mazlish. How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk. Avon Books, 1980.

*Ames, Louise Bates, and Francis L. Ilg. Your … Year Old. Dell Publishing, 1985. (We have ages 2 through 5 in our library.)

Carlsson-Paige, Nancy, and Diane E. Levin. Who’s Calling the Shots? New Society Publishers, 1990.

Healy, Jane M. Endangered Minds: Why Children Don’t Think and What We Can Do About It. Simon & Schuster, 1990.

Cecil, Nancy Lee. Raising Peaceful Children in a Violent World. Lura Media, Inc., 1995.
Kohn, Alfie. The Case Against Competition. Houghton Mifflin, 1986.

*Kelly, Marguerite, and Elia Parsons. The Mother’s Almanac. Doubleday and Co., 1975.

Multi-age

Katz, Lillian G., et al. The Case for Mixed-Age Grouping in Early Education. NAEYC, 1990.

Driscoll, Amy. Cases in Early Childhood Education: Stories of Programs and Practices. Allen & Bacon, 1995. Chapters 5 and 8.

Chase, Penelle, and Jane Doan. Full Circle: A New Look at Multiage Education. Heinemann, 1994.